Yesterday was such a strange day. Late the night before I had finished and published my previous blog post Not A Dear John Letter, it was a deeply personal piece and I was in two minds whether to publish it or not, but I did albeit under cover of darkness when I thought nobody would be looking. I shed some tears, quite a few actually.
I started writing my blog after a complete and utter failure to hold myself together. I started crying whilst ironing (yes, I know, who wouldn’t?) and was unable to stop. As far as I remember there was no trigger, no anniversary, no jolt of memories, just an overwhelming sadness. Years of ‘being strong’ had obviously caught up with me, but the worst thing about this incident was being held by my daughter and her saying ‘please get some help Mumma, I don’t know what to do’.
I didn’t want help, I wanted him back and no amount of therapy was going to make that happen so I sought help from me. I decided that I had to let myself grieve but also look towards a future that didn’t include him but to do this in a positive way if at all possible.
This morning a friend shared the lyrics to For Good from Wicked with me. The words are so appropriate, not least because it’s a musical that me & my children love (son is off to see it for the third time on Thursday), but because I have been changed for the better by loving him but also changed for good by all of you.
I’ve heard it said,
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are lead to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you.
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun,
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better
But because I knew you.
I have been changed for good.
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime.
So, let me say before we part:
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you’ll have rewritten mine
By being my friend.
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea.
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird
In a distant wood.
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
Challenges Choices Changes 
You are right about being strong for too long. I don’t think we can really move forward until we allow ourselves to feel what we feel. I have personally found it damaging to deny what I really felt, always doing the “right” thing which was never right for me. You are not only allowing yourself to grieve and move forward, you are allowing us to share it with you and offer our support and understanding.
I think Changed for Good should be an aspiration for us all.
Thank you Jane
Xx
Heather, there are days when I can barely stay sane and then there are days when people (like you) wrap their arms around me and push me gently forward xx
I absolutely believe that people come in to our lives to teach us something we need to know about ourselves or about our world. I’ve been where you are and have cried the bitter tears of disappointment. I’ve laughed, learned, and grown through so many other associations and relationships. Some have endured while others have burned out. There are lyrics to another song I can’t remember the name of that apply to those: “Things that never amount to more than they’re meant will play themselves out.” I have seen many relationships that have never ended or burned out but simply evolved into something else over time and in the end I’ve been changed for the better by all of them – though sometimes it’s taken awhile to realize it. Hugs to you and thanks for sharing with us.
Thank you Anita, it’s always reassuring to know that you are not alone and that others share the same attitude & outlook.